Sir Sayaka and the Saga of the Sayastache
by Erebus Kioku
Summary: Sayaka tries out an 'emergency moustache' at the bookstore. Things spiral out of control from there.


Here's a fic I wrote for a friends birthday, which happens to be about how sexy Sayaka is with a moustache. It's true, I photoshopped one onto her and she never looked more attractive. Please enjoy.

* * *

"Stop screwing around Kyoko, I'm not buying it," Sayaka snapped.

"You sure? You really sure?" Kyoko said, trying to hide her smirk.

"Yes I'm sure. Even if it cost one yen I wouldn't buy something that stupid for you."

"You know what you are Sayaka? A miser. That's what you are," Kyoko said, her grin widening.

"Give it a rest Kyoko." Sayaka was deeply regretting bringing Kyoko to the bookstore with her.

' _Why is a bookstore selling this junk anyway? Geez._ '

"Tch. Lame." Kyoko tried to twirl her 'emergency moustache' around her finger, but failed on account of it being made out of plastic.

"Laaaaame." With that she decided she was bored with it, and promptly dropped it back on the shelf without bothering to put it back in the box, to Sayaka's displeasure.

"Oi Kyoko, put things back after yourself!" she shouted after her. She suddenly became aware that she was attracting stares however, and ducked her head in embarrassment. ' _It's like taking care of a kid, I swear._ '

Shaking her head in exasperation, she picked up the overpriced toy and went to put it back in the box. At that moment however, for whatever reason (later Sayaka thought it may have even been fate), she noticed a mirror on the wall. Without really thinking about it, she idly held the moustache above her lip to see how ridiculous it looked, however…

' _Oh…wow._ ' To her immense shock, and mortification, she couldn't deny the fact that it suited her. ' _What the hell…_ '

Blushing slightly, she hastily pulled it away and put it back in the box. ' _Must've been a trick of the light,_ ' she reassured herself.

She started to walk away, but the thought of herself with a moustache gripped her brain like a vice. The urge to check her reflection again to reassure herself that it was a mere trick of the light welled up in her, but doing it here was too embarrassing…

' _It's no good. I'll just have to buy the stupid thing._ '

Glancing around to make sure that Kyoko couldn't see her, she furtively picked it up and headed for the counter…then thought better of it and grabbed the nearest book as well. She buried the moustache at the bottom of her bag, grabbed Kyoko and hurried home.

* * *

Later that night, she made sure Kyoko was sleeping and then slipped the hidden item out from her bag. She silently entered the bathroom and locked the door behind her. ' _Well, here goes…_ '

She slipped the moustache out of the box and held it above her lip. ' _Oh…_ '

There was no denying it. It looked…good. Sexy even.

' _This is ridiculous. Moustaches don't even look good on boys let alone girls!_ '

No matter how she tried to deny the facts however, the truth was literally on her face to be seen. ' _Oh yeah, that's…_ ' She struck a heroic pose. "Have no fear, Sayaka-chan is here!"

' _Oh yeah, that is SO sexy._ '

Transforming into her magical girl outfit, she posed again. And again. And again. Two hours passed like that, then she suddenly had a brainwave. ' _Could I use my powers to grow a real moustache? I mean, it's not like I couldn't shave it off afterwards. It's not like I'm growing a third arm or anything. Let's see…_ '

Carefully, she aimed her magic into her upper lip. As the blue glow faded, she looked and saw…a spiffy looking curly moustache.

' _Holy shit, it worked! And it looks incredible!'_

Her new moustache was, for some reason, shaped pretty much the same as the one on the face on a Pringles packet, only less thick. Sayaka was extremely happy with the way it looked, so happy in fact that she thought it was a shame she couldn't keep it. The moustachioed girl admired herself in the mirror, striking various heroic poses, until it occurred to her that she'd actually been in the bathroom for quite a while.

' _Oh damn, it's a good thing magical girls don't need much sleep. I'd better wrap things up._ ' She reached for a razor, but was suddenly struck with a wave of sadness at the thought of having to shave off her awesome new facial hair. ' _Ah, it doesn't matter, there's no way I can keep it. Besides, I can always grow it again if I want to._ ' With that thought in mind she shaved it off, thanking her healing powers again as she sliced her face up horribly in the process.

Heading back to her bedroom, she noticed that her face was tingling from the healing still but she didn't think much of it. ' _Shit, is that the time? I got way too caught up…_ '

It was 0700 already, her alarm clock was going to go off in half an hour. As petty revenge she decided to wake Kyoko up early as punishment for staying up late so often.

"Hey, wake up. It's time to get ready."

"Gurnyargh…" said the sleeping beauty.

' _God, what a slob._ ' Sayaka rolled her eyes.

"Hey. Hey! Wake up!" She started shaking the red head, knowing from experience that it would take some effort to rouse her.

"Grngh…stupid…huh?" Kyoko's eyes cracked open blearily, dully looking through the girl shaking her…until her eyes drifted to Sayaka's upper lip. "W-Wha-"

Her eyes shot wide open and she went rigid. A blush slowly rose to her cheeks and she lay there staring at her roommate with a peculiar expression on her face.

"What?" Sayaka felt self-conscious under her stare. Was her face taking longer to heal than she'd thought? She jumped as Kyoko suddenly flung herself out of bed with great force and ran out of the room. "Ah, Kyoko-!"

What had gotten into her? Sayaka shrugged. Kyoko could be hard to understand sometimes, there probably wasn't much point in trying to figure out what she was thinking. Taking advantage of her roommate's absence, she got dressed for school and headed over to the bathroom, only to be greeted by a locked door. She waited patiently, but after ten minutes had passed she knocked on the door in annoyance. "Oi Kyoko, how long are you going to be in there? The rest of us have to get ready as well you know."

Silence. The blue haired girl knocked again in frustration. "Kyoko, come on! You're going to make me late!" More silence. Sayaka threw her hands up in annoyance and decided to go and eat her breakfast first. Hell, at least her breath would be fresher for the rest of the morning this way.

Entering the kitchen, she greeted her mother and father and started on breakfast. Said parents scarcely raised their eyes from, respectively, the cooker and the newspaper. Five minutes into eating, she was startled to see Kyoko, fully dressed and groomed and carrying her school bag, half run through the kitchen and leave the house. Her parents, still not raising their eyes, half waved at her and mumbled goodbye. "What the…" she double taked in surprise. Kyoko had never left before her before…

' _What is with her today?_ ' she wondered to herself. Oh well, she could figure it out later. Shrugging it off, she finished eating then went to get ready. Taking advantage of the extra time she had, she decided to check her emails…then just take a small look at her favourite websites… then check her emails again…

' _Oh damn, I lost track of time! And I woke up early as well…argh!_ ' Cursing, she flew into the bathroom, brushed her teeth in double speed and wiped her face with a wet cloth, then ran out of the door full tilt.

Her fast pace carried her to school in record time and she arrived a few minutes before the bell rang, wheezing and leaning against the gate as she tried to get her breath back. ' _Phew…that was close…'_

She noticed that a few students were staring at her, but put it down to her out of breath appearance. However, Hitomi walked up behind her at that moment and politely greeted her.

"Good morning Sayaka-san. I see you're-guah!" she yelped as Sayaka turned to face her.

' _Guah? What does that mean?'_

"You learning some kind of new language Hitomi?" Sayaka questioned.

Hitomi swooned, bringing a hand to her forehead, and cried out "No, I mustn't… forbidden love! Forbidden love!" then turned and fled to the safety of the school.

"O…kay…"

' _Why is everyone acting so weird today?_ ' she wondered. Maybe she should ask Madoka if she knew what was going on, her pink haired buddy was always the level headed one in her group of friends. She headed to her classroom, arriving just seconds before the bell rang. ' _Guess I'll have to wait to speak to her._ '

She gave Madoka a wave as she sat down, failing to notice the blush rising to Madoka's face and the way her eyes widened, or the way most of the other students, male and female, reacted in the same way.

The class went pretty much normally-although for some reason Kazuko did spend fifteen minutes on a tirade about whether shaven or unshaven men were more trustworthy lovers-with the exception being that Sayaka noticed that more than a few of her classmates were turning to look at her when she wasn't looking, only to act like they hadn't been when she turned to look at them. Frankly she was starting to feel paranoid.

' _What is going on here? …Wait a minute…I didn't have time to wash my face properly this morning! Oh God, what if I've had food stuck on my face this whole time without realising!_ ' She cringed. How humiliating… she rubbed at her face surreptitiously with the backs of her hands. She'd have to head to the bathroom at break time to check herself out properly. After another agonising twenty minutes, the break rolled around and she left the classroom without making eye contact with anyone.

Still wiping her face absentmindedly, she entered and made to look in the mirror…but she stopped dead in her tracks at the arresting sight before her. There, in all her annoying, smug glory, was Akemi Homura, practicing smirking in the mirror. She twisted her lips menacingly, then, even more bizarrely, tilted her head back to an alarming angle. Apparently she was unsatisfied with the angle, so she used her hand to force her head back even further. The smirk remained on her face the whole time, so Sayaka surmised that she was trying to look menacing, but the ridiculous spectacle was just hilarious… and more than a little embarrassing. She thought about letting the poor fool know that she was being watched, but she didn't think she could cope with that much second hand embarrassment, so she backed out of the room and made a show of slamming the door open.

Homura jumped away from the mirror with a start, then, upon seeing who it was, settled into a smirk and dramatic pose. "Hmph…I should have known it was you. There's few people uncouth enough to make…wh…what…" she trailed off, staring at the girl in front of her. Sayaka grimaced. There really must be something on her face.

"Look Akemi-" she started, taking a step forward.

"Stay back!" Homura screeched.

"Huh?"

"My heart belongs to Madoka you filthy temptress! You think you can seduce me with a cheap stunt like this!? My feelings aren't shallow and cheap and interchangeable, I won't let you degrade me! I'm leaving, you damn hussy!"

And with that she barged past Sayaka, one hand firmly covering her eyes. Unfortunately her lack of vision led her to walk nose first into the door, before she groped around for a few seconds and found the handle.

Sayaka stared after her in confused amazement for a few seconds. ' _Wow…she gets crazier by the day._ '

Shaking her head in pity she headed over to the mirror and checked her face out. "….Oh."

On the bright side, what she saw put Homura's weirdness firmly out of her mind. On the downside, it turned out that she'd been walking around with a large moustache on her face all day.

"Oh shit. Shit shit shit."

This was an absolute disaster. How was she going to explain this away? A practical joke maybe…yes, that was the only thing that could salvage the situation. But why was it still there? She'd shaved it off well enough, her face had bled enough to prove that.

' _How the hell did my parents not notice this at breakfast!? Do they not actually pay any attention to the world around them at all? It's a miracle they haven't been run over yet…_ '

"Ugh…" She'd have to shave it off again at home. A visit to the nurse was in order to get permission to go home though. Trying to avoid other people on the way, she headed over there and entered, only to see Madoka.

"Oh hey, Madoka…I didn't expect to see you here…"

Madoka started at the sound of her voice. "Ehehe…well I am the nurse's aide after all…" she giggled nervously, pulling on her skirt hem a little.

"Oh yeah…er, anyway…so like, you've noticed my face today right?"

Madoka ducked her head and went a little redder. "Um…yes."

"Hahaha, yeah. So I was, like, pranking Kyoko obviously, and something went wrong and I guess I got stuck like this somehow, sooo…help me get out of school so I can fix it?" she pleaded.

Madoka looked up in surprise. "You're going to get rid of it?"

"Well yeah, obviously. I can't walk around like this, people will ask questions. Besides, how I supposed to explain it without blowing our cover? I can't just say 'whoops, magic gone wrong, it happens', people would think I was nuts!"

"I-I guess…"

If Sayaka didn't know any better she'd say that Madoka sounded disappointed… but that was ridiculous.

Madoka shuffled over closer to her. "You know, I don't think it looks bad…and neither does everybody else. Everyone's been saying that you look really, um…nice."

"Huh? Are you serious?" Sure Sayaka had thought she looked good in the mirror, but that was a lot different than other people thinking so.

"Yeah…we all think it suits you," Madoka said. She shuffled even closer…awkwardly close to her, Sayaka thought. The pink haired girl gazed up at her shyly…before shooting forward and kissing her on the lips.

"Mmph!" Sayaka froze in shock. Of all the things she'd been expecting when she'd left the house this morning, her childhood friend macking her was not one of them. She jerked away, face flushing heavily. "M-Madoka, what-"

Her line of thought, as it was, was cut off abruptly when Akemi Homura burst into the room.

"I knew it! You filthy seducing hussy!" she screamed in anguish, before slapping Sayaka around the face and running away crying. Sayaka and Madoka stood in the middle of the room in awkward silence.

"Uh…"

"Um…"

"I should probably…yeah," Sayaka mumbled and went to leave.

Madoka reached out and grabbed her arm. "Um, I'll talk to you later?' she asked eagerly.

"Uh, s-sure," Sayaka said, then scurried out of the room.

' _What the hell just happened?_ ' she thought in bewilderment. Did Madoka really feel that way about her? Or was her moustache somehow causing this? And what the hell was up with Akemi?

"Miki-san," a voice called from her left. With a sinking feeling, she turned to look. There was Mami walking towards her, with, sadly enough, Kyoko half hiding behind her. She sighed. ' _Might as well deal with whatever's going to happen this time head on,_ ' she thought.

"Hey guys, you want something?" she asked, hoping beyond hope that they were looking for someone else.

No such luck. Mami stopped in front of her, one finger pressed against her lips as she inspected her junior intently. Kyoko peered around her, half hiding behind her own hair, then retreated when Sayaka made eye contact with her.

' _Oh my god…_ ' Sayaka rolled her eyes.

"Do you two want something or did you just come to stare at my moustache?" she said in annoyance.

"Hmmm…that depends," Mami said, leaning in slightly. "Has anyone else snapped you up yet?"

Sayaka blanched. ' _Another one!? What the hell's gotten into them, do all of my friends secretly have moustache fetishes or something!?_ ' She backed away from them slowly. "Look, I have no idea why everybody is suddenly acting like this. I grew some hair, big deal. I'm going to shave it off now any…way…" She smacked her face as the realisation hit her.

' _I never got permission to go home…goddammit._ '

"You're going to shave it off? Why on earth would you do that Miki-san? It suits you so much!"

"Well for one thing I don't feel like explaining where it came from, unless you think it'd be a good idea to start telling people that magical girls exist and sometimes do stupid things like growing moustaches for no particular reason."

"Hmm? Oh yes, I suppose that could be a problem," the blonde mused.

' _Ya think?_ '

Kyoko shuffled out from behind Mami and mumbled something incoherent, then retreated to safety.

"Oh Sakura-san, don't be like that. Talk to her properly," Mami said like the reliable senior she was, pushing her forward.

Kyoko hissed something unspeakable under her breath and tried to adopt a nonchalant stance. "Sup Sayaka?" she said, shoving her hands into her pockets.

"I'm being chased around school by a bunch of weirdos with moustache fetishes, that's what's up!" Sayaka snapped. "I'm going home and shaving the damn thing off."

"Huh? W-Wait," Kyoko stuttered, "You don't have to…I mean, you could come up with some plausible explanation and keep it…"

"…I'm leaving. Go drool somewhere else or something."

With that stunning put down she spun on her heel and left, determined to get back to sanity.

* * *

At home she headed into the bathroom and pulled out a razor. She raised it to her face determinedly, but as she did so she was struck by a familiar wave of sadness.

 _'What the hell am I thinking?_ ' she thought in confusion. ' _It's a pain in the ass and it has to go. …No matter how good it looks._ '

Still, she couldn't deny that while she'd been startled at the time, the extra attention she'd been getting all day was kind of flattering. Kyoko's reaction in particular was something else.

' _Who knew that there was a way to shut her up without shoving food into her mouth?'_ she thought to herself in amusement.

Then she remembered the reason why Kyoko was being quiet and sighed. With a last wistful, admiring look at it, she shaved the moustache off. Then watched in surprise as it grew back in a matter of seconds.

She blinked. "Well that's weird."

She tried again. Then again. Then she tried using magic on it, which also failed. "Huh."

Logically speaking, she knew she should be upset, but no matter how much she tried to be she just wasn't.

' _This is terrible though,_ ' she thought unconvincingly, ' _It's going to cause so many problems._ '

' _Like hot girls and boys throwing themselves at me,_ ' a rebellious voice in the back of her mind chimed in.

"Eh…I'll ask Mami for help tomorrow. She's been a magical girl for years, she's bound to know what to do."

With that thought she went into the living room and switched the TV on (might as well enjoy herself before her parents got back after all, they were obviously stunningly unobservant but she shouldn't push her luck). The thought that seeing as she was skipping school she should probably do some homework crossed her mind, especially since she was wagging school, but it passed quickly enough. She never was the academic type. For a few hours she sat watching poor quality daytime TV, until a knock on the door made her jump slightly.

' _Who's that?_ ' she glanced at the clock. ' _School's out…maybe it's Madoka. I did leave pretty suddenly after all._ '

Feeling a little nervous, she slapped her face to psyche herself up then went to the door. To her shock, not just Madoka but all of her close friends were there, Hitomi and Kyosuke included. Homura was there too.

"Er…hey guys…" she said uncertainly. "You, uh, want something?"

Most of the group stood there in hesitant silence, but Mami stepped forward for them all.

"Well you see Miki-san, we were talking about you amongst ourselves and we came to the conclusion that keeping a wonderful specimen like yourself to one person alone would be unfair, so we decided to share you."

"I'm only here for Madoka's sake!" Homura snapped defensively.

"I…I see," Sayaka said, trying not to show her bewilderment "And what exactly makes you think that I'm suddenly going to go along with having a six person harem?"

"Are you going to say no?" Mami questioned coyly.

"Uh, w-well I…"

Sayaka's mind reeled. ' _What an absurd situation._ ' But deep down she couldn't deny the fact that her ego was loving every second of it. She finally gave in and let her ego take control.

"So, hypothetically, if I did agree to this then how exactly would it work? Are we talking some kind of day by day swap or something?"

All of the group suddenly looked worried.

"Well I'd certainly hope not," said Mami, "I for one would certainly feel deprived."

"That's right Sayaka-chan," Madoka spoke up, "We couldn't stand being apart from you all the time like that…"

Sayaka's ego grew another three sizes. "Hmm…well if you're that into me I guess it can't be helped! Sayaka-chan will graciously accept you all into her heart!"

Kyoko stepped over the doors threshold and turned to face the others. "Welp, I already live here so I guess I'll see the rest of you around. So long."

The others looked disconcerted to say the least.

"Even if you already live here, you having 24 hour access hardly seems fair," Hitomi said, frowning at her from her position clinging onto Kyosuke's arm.

"She's got a point," Kyosuke agreed, "What about the rest of us?"

Sayaka tried not to grin too widely. ' _They're fighting over me! This is great!_ '

"Ladies-and gentleman-please, there's enough of me to go around! There's no need to fight for a piece of me! It's not like I can do anything about my current living arrangement, but you can all rest assured that I'll give every single one of you the attention you deserve! In fact, my parents aren't due back for another two hours, so why don't you all come in so we can get to know each other better?" she said, stepping forward with a swagger in her gait.

The group eagerly jostled forward, trying to get first dibs. As they swarmed towards her a shit eating grin took over Sayaka's moustachioed face. Life definitely didn't get any better than this.

* * *

Ten years later Prime minister Miki Sayaka sat in her office, having just secured yet another remarkably one sided trade deal for Japan. She leaned back in her chair and twirled her moustache around her finger smugly. Another foreign leader who couldn't resist the allure of her sexy facial hair. It wasn't unexpected of course, quite the opposite. Ever since Kim Jong-Un had fallen head over heels for her and signed peace treaties with all the surrounding countries after a few twists of her moustache aimed at him it was obvious that not one single person on this planet could resist her hairy charms…except for blind people at any rate, but she hadn't ran into any blind politicians yet, so oh well.

"Prime minister, your photoshoot starts in fifteen minutes," her new sexy secretary Nakazawa said.

"Hmm…guess I'd better get Mami to wax my moustache then," she replied. She headed into the adjoining room where her five girlfriends and one boyfriend were waiting to fix her up for the cameras.

"Here we go Sayaka, the finest wax imported from Germany. This should really accentuate your good looks," Mami said, starting to tend to Sayaka's face.

Madoka began brushing her hair. "You did a great job getting that treaty signed today Sayaka-chan. I never doubted you at all, but you got it signed even quicker than I thought you would."

Kyoko and Hitomi started respectively shining Sayaka's shoes and choosing a different shirt and blazer to wear. Kyosuke was helping create a good atmosphere by playing his violin in the corner and Homura was helping her mood by being eye candy.

After a few minutes they'd primped and preened her to her best and she was ready to be gushed over by the camera men as usual. She grinned smugly. Even now she couldn't deny that she still enjoyed having people slobber over her.

"Thanks everyone. It's nice to still get this kind of treatment after so many years."

"Huh? Whaddaya talking about, of course we're still going to give you the full treatment. It's not like you've got worse with age after all," Kyoko said, looking at her like she'd said the strangest thing she'd ever heard.

"I'm still only here for Madoka's sake," Homura said defensively. She made a point of saying this at least once a day. After a few years however, everyone else had stopped even hearing it.

"True, true. Sayaka-chan does seem to be aging particularly well, I guess I hit the genetic jackpot."

She loosened her collar slightly, and smoothed her moustache down for good measure.

"Here I go. I would say 'wish me luck', but we all know I don't need it. Wait eagerly for me, okay?"

And with that she left the room, ready to be swarmed over by her adoring fans. Yes, she thought, she had a lot to thank that emergency moustache for.

THE END


End file.
